Happiness Is…Bald and Wrinkled Aliens….#SoundtrackSunday

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This week is easy, for me because it’s all about happiness. When I scan my life for the happiest of happy memories, there are three that stick out a million times beyond the rest. Oddly enough, they are some of the most bloody, painful, and confusing times of my life and resulted in the introduction to a bald, wrinkled alien life form into my life. Yes, I’m talking about becoming a mother and for me (someone who NEVER wanted children), it was a wild and crazy ride indeed.

Note: Shortly after each one of my children were born, I selected a song for them. These songs, to me, represent their individual spirits in the rawest forms. One thing about being a mother that no-one ever tells you is the ways in which you KNOW your child. You know their soul on a deeper level than anything you’ve ever experienced before and (for me, at least) this “knowing” occurs before they ever walked or talked…before the world molds them into individual beings. I think that knowing their offspring’s raw spirit helps a mother realize their child’s potential. It’s the reason that mothers will fight against a world that tells them their children “cannot” do something and motivates them to hold their children up, even in their weakest moments…Anyway, these songs are the songs that solidify the moment of birth and of “knowing” for me. They are my children’s spirit songs. Whatever they become, I will always remember who they really are…I will always see their beautiful spirits.

October 6, 2009 3:27 AM

My son was born 6 weeks early. My water had broken  on Friday afternoon but the ER told me it wasn’t broken and sent me home. It wasn’t until I followed up with the doctor that Monday that they confirmed my water had actually been broken and they sent me in to be induced. I was terrified, being a first time mother, and exclaimed that I still have 6 weeks left, I hadn’t attended my parenting class yet, and nothing was ready. It didn’t matter, Rymi was on his way to meet me and in the wee hours of the next morning, he came into my world, and changed everything about me.

From the moment he was born, he was a very sensitive and overactive child. He was colicy, particular (due, in part, to the rampat spoiling), and he didn’t sleep for the first 6 months of his life. Still, everyone was drawn to him (they still are) and EVERYONE loves him. I have watched him grow into a talented comedian and he is the happiest when he’s the center of attention. He’s still high strung and hyperactive. I guess he always will be but he will be popular and loved.

He’s 4 now and what he wants to do when he grows up is “make monster makeup”. I can see him in Hollywood one day, whether it’s behind the scenes or on the stage. He’s just that kind of person. Sometimes I worry that he’ll have problems staying grounded. I’m worried that he’ll forget about the simple things in life…I’m worried that he’ll lose himself in his own character and find himself unable to be aware and thankful for the simplest, most fulfilling aspects of life. So, this is his song. Because, at the end of the day, I know my mission as a mother is to “ground” him…keep him centered. I know my mission is to help him become a Simple Man (well, maybe just a simpler man)

September 11, 2010 12:29 PM

My pregnancy with the girls had been a long, hard road. I was in the hospital for a week before their arrival and although I was glad to know exactly WHEN they were coming, my body was tired from Preeclampsia and months of bedrest. With them, it was a C-Section and the doctors had warned me that they may not cry immediately. It felt unnatural to be bringing my daughters into the world this way and the dual teams of nurses in the room only made the experience more terrifying.

I was lying on the table, half alive, when I heard the screams of my little “baby a”. I was delighted that she came out, screaming and I knew that everything was going to be alright. This was a good indication for what Kaya’s personality was going to be. She is the most calm of all my children. She is as steady as the stream but as strong as stone. She is nurturing and protective…she’s my mother earth baby.

Of course, this song relates to her because it is her namesake but it’s the peaceful, rhythmic reggae music that reminds me of her spirit. There are times when things are chaotic and Kaya finds a way to soothe me. Kaya literally means “enlightenment” and, of all my children, I know that she’ll be the wisest and strongest. She’ll probably be the one who needs me the least but this makes being her mother even more challenging. I know I’ll have to recognize her needs, because she’ll never bring them to me willingly. I know that I’ll have to break through her stone barrier and make her allow me to support her for once. I will have to help her soften to the world and realize that it’s okay NOT to be the one who takes care of everyone else. I will have to help her understand that it’s okay for her to take care of herself from time to time.

September 11, 2010 12:30 PM

Kaylin came into the world, a minute later and 3x louder than her sister had a minute previous. She had a rough go of it, at first. Although there has never been more than 1/2 difference in hers and her sister’s weight, she seems so much smaller than her older sister. She’s certainly much more soft than her.

But she’s a DIVA! Since the moment she was born, she has put herself in direct competition with her sister and is always trying to “out-do” every other child she meets. She’s also very finicky. Even as a newborn, she had very strong preferences and a equally strong voice which she used to voice her opinions. There is no such thing as convincing this child that she cannot wear her princess dress to the store or sleep in a tu-tu.

She’s so girly, in juxtaposition to both her sister and myself, and from the time she could walk she would put her purse on her arm and priss around the room. She cannot sit in the buggy in the clothing ilse and she’s more inclined to shoes than baby dolls. She is my little queen.

My challenge with her is going to be helping her understand that she is not her sister’s subset…she is an individual and she’s amazing for it. I want her to know that she’s “beautiful in her way because god makes no mistakes”.

Fight Songs…Soundtrack Sunday Week 2…#Superbowl

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Soundtrack Sunday

In honor of Superbowl Sunday, this week is all about fight songs—the songs that fire us up, motivate us and help us fight back. I feel like I could do a really long playlist on this topic and it has been really hard but I’ve paired my selection down to a few (and cleaned it up a bit).

Eminem-Survival

For fighting back…

I know it’s not the most positive music but sometimes life is gritty and picking yourself up and fighting back requires getting dirty. For me, deep beets and flowing rhymes (like the ones in this song) are an anthem of my angsty teenage years. In my room, I was isolated and disconnected from the world around me. I was harboring secrets, pent up with anger, and never really felt accepted. Artists like D12, Bone Thugz & Harmony, Nas, Jay-Z, and (most predominantly) Eminem became the soundtrack for all the parts of myself that I couldn’t share with the world…all the things that separated me from those around me. I have always considered Hip Hop to be modern day poetry and through it, I learned what it was to be raw…to be proud…and to fight back. For my soundtrack, I’m choosing a more contemporary song by Eminem, because it is the one that I can connect with in my adult life the most.

“If I ain’t got enough in the tank, maybe I can just syphon enough” —Survival, Eminem

That’s exactly how I feel with a table full of bills, a to do list that grows by the minute and the needs of everyone around me piling up to my neck. When I feel that I don’t have enough, I just reach down deeper and syphon some more.

Fighter-Christina Aguilera

For fighting those who try to hold me back…

This song reaches me on so many levels. Everytime I hear it, it pumps me up and makes me feel strong. It reminds me that every battle I have ever fought and every person who has ever tried to hold me back has only made me stronger. Now, I’m done fighting with people. I’m wise enough now to recognize the truth inside…to see people for who they are and avoid the ones that want to use or damage me.

“Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I’d realize your game. I heard you’re going round playing the victim now. But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame. ‘Cause you dug your own grave. After all of the fight and lies ’cause you’re wanting to haunt me. But that won’t work anymore, no more. It’s over.” -Christina Aguilera, Fighter

**The above lyrics from the song speak particularly to the desolation of my failed marriage***

Born this Way-Lady Gaga

For fighting myself…

On the days that I’m fighting myself…the days that I revert to my childhood state of not embracing myself for everything I am and everything that I was made to be, I crank up this song. Only then do I remember that “I’m beautiful in my way, ’cause God makes no mistakes.” This song hold particular significance as a fight song for me because one of the things I have fought against my entire life was my sexuality. I really feel that songs like this helped me find peace with the fact that my attraction to members of the same sex wasn’t something to hide…that if I learned to love me for me, then the world would do the same. I was much more worried about my own mother’s reaction than that of “the world” but when I finally found the strength to tell her, her response was “Yeah, I’ve known that since you were a teenager”. Finally, I accept myself and the world accepts me…I am whole and ready to take on the world…

Girl on Fire-Alicia Keys

For conquering the world…

I’ve only just begun fighting. I feel that I’ve gone through the trenches and fought all my inner battles. I’ve slayed the demons in my life and now I’m ready to move forward. I’m a soldier and a survivor. I’m an independent woman, single mother and I’m building a name for myself (one brick at a time). If I get weary and my confidence begins to falter, I simply have to remember all the battles I’ve fought to get to where I am right now…I simply have to remember that I’m a girl and I’m on fire.