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You know those moments in life that completely restore your faith in humanity, yourself and the common good? Well, I haven’t had any of those lately. To say the least, I am in a bit of a rut.And being at an empass, I have found no Comfort in my own scattered, tattered brain, lately. I guess the good thing about bad times when you’re an author; you’re sure to get a good story out of it sooner or later.

I don’t Know what I’m hoping to get out of posting this, except to say that I miss this place. I hope to write, on here, more regularly; maybe even clean the place up a bit. However, If there’s one thing I have learned lately, it’s to be careful When making promises toward the future. Anything past this moment is on borrowed time.

Love Songs for the Future Divorcee…#Valentine #SoundtrackSunday

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SountrackSundayValentines

My experiences in relationships hasn’t given me much cause to sing the praises of love. As it turns out, the hopelessly romantic aren’t great when it comes to recognizing flaws in would-be partners or determining compatibility. So, I have found myself in more than enough toxic and unstable relationships. These types of relationships can only lead to breakups, or (in my most recent one) divorce.

Sitting on the edge of a failed marriage and an impending divorce, you could understand how I might not be in the mood to “share the love” this Valentine’s Day. I’m warning you now, if you’re all hopped up on boxed chocolates, this may not be the post for you. There will be no singing birds and blooming flowers…only the melancholy of a bitter future divorcee.

My Marriage

The less I say the better but if I had to choose one song to explain the dynamic in my marriage, it would be “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies. It’s a whimsical outlook on a dysfunctioning relationship. For a while, our arguments were “cute” and even enduring. However, after 3 children and thousands of “disagreements”, the novelty wore off and I learned how much is lost when two people stay in a relationship that is dysfunctioning.

Through the Divorce

Breaking up is never as quick and painless as we want it to be. When it’s five years, three children and a legally binding marriage certificate, I’m finding that the “pulling back” factor is amplified. Maybe it’s because there was such a large dynamic of the push and pull in our marriage…maybe it’s because it’s bittersweet to be breaking ties with someone who was once your everything…maybe it’s because it’s because my idealistic brain still clings to the idea of a happy ending. At the end of the day, I remember the reasons why we are better people apart…this is the song that reminds me of that and keeps me grounded in my “weaker” moments.

In the End

“I guess I just lost my husband…I don’t know where he went…I’m going to drink my money…I’m not going to pay his rent”

There comes a point in every breakup, separation or divorce that you just have to put your head up and own it. That’s where I am right now. I hear all the whispers behind my back…I know that there is a camp of people forming who have issue with the fact that I walked out on my marriage. It’s almost that I’m less of a woman because I have a mind of my own and I have the power to walk out on a situation that wasn’t healthy…To those people, I say “So What”…Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you can never understand how much I fought for my marriage…you can never understand my reasons for leaving and quite frankly, I’m tired of explaining them.

Honorable Mentions

*All songs are linked to respective YouTube videos

Sara Bareilles-King of Anything

Liz Phair-Divorce Song

Evanescence-My Immortal

The Avett Brothers-Open Ended Life

 

Fight Songs…Soundtrack Sunday Week 2…#Superbowl

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Soundtrack Sunday

In honor of Superbowl Sunday, this week is all about fight songs—the songs that fire us up, motivate us and help us fight back. I feel like I could do a really long playlist on this topic and it has been really hard but I’ve paired my selection down to a few (and cleaned it up a bit).

Eminem-Survival

For fighting back…

I know it’s not the most positive music but sometimes life is gritty and picking yourself up and fighting back requires getting dirty. For me, deep beets and flowing rhymes (like the ones in this song) are an anthem of my angsty teenage years. In my room, I was isolated and disconnected from the world around me. I was harboring secrets, pent up with anger, and never really felt accepted. Artists like D12, Bone Thugz & Harmony, Nas, Jay-Z, and (most predominantly) Eminem became the soundtrack for all the parts of myself that I couldn’t share with the world…all the things that separated me from those around me. I have always considered Hip Hop to be modern day poetry and through it, I learned what it was to be raw…to be proud…and to fight back. For my soundtrack, I’m choosing a more contemporary song by Eminem, because it is the one that I can connect with in my adult life the most.

“If I ain’t got enough in the tank, maybe I can just syphon enough” —Survival, Eminem

That’s exactly how I feel with a table full of bills, a to do list that grows by the minute and the needs of everyone around me piling up to my neck. When I feel that I don’t have enough, I just reach down deeper and syphon some more.

Fighter-Christina Aguilera

For fighting those who try to hold me back…

This song reaches me on so many levels. Everytime I hear it, it pumps me up and makes me feel strong. It reminds me that every battle I have ever fought and every person who has ever tried to hold me back has only made me stronger. Now, I’m done fighting with people. I’m wise enough now to recognize the truth inside…to see people for who they are and avoid the ones that want to use or damage me.

“Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing. Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I’d realize your game. I heard you’re going round playing the victim now. But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame. ‘Cause you dug your own grave. After all of the fight and lies ’cause you’re wanting to haunt me. But that won’t work anymore, no more. It’s over.” -Christina Aguilera, Fighter

**The above lyrics from the song speak particularly to the desolation of my failed marriage***

Born this Way-Lady Gaga

For fighting myself…

On the days that I’m fighting myself…the days that I revert to my childhood state of not embracing myself for everything I am and everything that I was made to be, I crank up this song. Only then do I remember that “I’m beautiful in my way, ’cause God makes no mistakes.” This song hold particular significance as a fight song for me because one of the things I have fought against my entire life was my sexuality. I really feel that songs like this helped me find peace with the fact that my attraction to members of the same sex wasn’t something to hide…that if I learned to love me for me, then the world would do the same. I was much more worried about my own mother’s reaction than that of “the world” but when I finally found the strength to tell her, her response was “Yeah, I’ve known that since you were a teenager”. Finally, I accept myself and the world accepts me…I am whole and ready to take on the world…

Girl on Fire-Alicia Keys

For conquering the world…

I’ve only just begun fighting. I feel that I’ve gone through the trenches and fought all my inner battles. I’ve slayed the demons in my life and now I’m ready to move forward. I’m a soldier and a survivor. I’m an independent woman, single mother and I’m building a name for myself (one brick at a time). If I get weary and my confidence begins to falter, I simply have to remember all the battles I’ve fought to get to where I am right now…I simply have to remember that I’m a girl and I’m on fire.

I Didn’t Do It Out of Hate…

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Some people have misconceptions about divorce and separation. I guess it’s something that you don’t quite understand until you go through it. The first question to tackle is “why”? Why did I leave my husband? Why are we living in separate homes and learning how to raise our children in two homes? Why does our marriage not work?

In some ways, these answers are easy. It’s easy to see that constant discord in a relationship is not healthy. The fact that we couldn’t agree on anything and we had begun sleeping in different rooms means that there was a distance between us that we could not reconcile. It’s easy to react to the constant negativity surrounding the relationship and the effects this had on our children.

It’s easy to throw your hands up in the air when things are going wrong. It’s easy to walk away and it’s easy to hate. Especially when society tells me I should be bitter. I’m supposed to be angry and I’m supposed to seek revenge. I’m supposed to conspire in corners against him, fight him in the court system, and spread nasty rumors about him. All these things are being done but not by me. I just can’t bring myself to that point.

Because I didn’t do it out of hate. 

I never let myself get to that point. My husband is father of my children and the only man who will will ever have the privilege to do so. He is my best friend and has been my companion through some of the hardest times in my life. How could I allow myself to hate him?

I’m not saying that it’s impossible for me to hate him. I know that eventually, it would have come to that. If I put all the fights and insults into a bucket; if I let them weigh on me, I could find myself in a place where I hate him. If I held on until every bit of love had drained away and I had lost all dignity and self respect, I could drive away into the dust with my middle finger held high and profanities blaring in his direction. I could find it within myself to trash his vehicle and withhold his children from him…I could do divorce “the American way”.

No, I didn’t leave him out of hate. I  left him because it was the only way to save the bits of love that still reside between us.

What we had lost in our marriage was hope. There was no hope for us to learn to communicate…no hope for us to learn to get along. We are too different; too headstrong to make our marriage work. We’ve tried but when I step back and look, I realize that the foundation of our relationship was built on the wrong things.

Once the parties and drugs gave way to children and responsibility, we lost that common ground that really bound us together. The focus shifted to raising our children and we forgot about ourselves…and eachother. We drifted apart and understanding gave way to discourse. It became too easy to play the “blame game” and we got to the point that we didn’t even sleep in the same bed.

My husband disagrees with my line of logic. He either still sees hope or he wants to bleed our marriage dry…I’m not sure which one it is because the days are gone that I am able to read his thoughts. I don’t even really know who he is anymore…I don’t really know who I am anymore. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have exhausted every resource I have for making the marriage work. I’m empty now; almost hollow and I have nothing else to give. So, I know I’m not giving up too soon. Rather, I’m giving up just in time.

Now you may judge me (plenty of others have) because I’m walking away from the sacred vows of my marriage but if you’re going to do so, please look at the entire picture. We were together for nearly 6 years, gave birth to 3 children, moved 5 times and through it all, the only harmonious part was the first 6 months. That’s 5 and a half years of constant fighting and negativity…5 and a half years of not being able to compromise. No matter what the future looks like, the past becomes a beast which has torn our marriage apart.

I will always remember the light in the darkness…bringing our children into the world. However, these memories (the light ones) are always tainted with the darkness that grew out of our discord. For every good memory that I can pull up in my mind has a complimentary bad one…because things have never been “good” for us. When I look into the future, I have no reason to believe that this cycle will somehow change with the passage of time.

So, my rational brain yells at me. It tells me that I’m foolish for walking the same roads over and over. If I look at my marriage in terms of statistics, it’s easy to see that the chance of things being just the same (or maybe even worse) is extremely likely. The only thing left, now, is our children.

Children learn about love from their parents so I find myself asking the question, what do I want my children to learn about love? My husband wants them to learn to never give up on love, no matter what but I don’t really think that’s healthy. I mean, it sounds nice but do I really want my children in mine or my husband’s shoes? Do I want them to loose themselves in a relationship that is toxic, just for the sake of “sticking it out”? Do I want them to learn that yelling and insults are somehow synonymous with love?

No, I do not. What I want for them to do is to be rational enough to push aside their feelings of love and assess the situation. I want my children to approach marriage with more thought and consideration that I did. It’s hard when you’re a sentimental fool, not to fall without this line of rational thought. I know now, that if I had applied rational thinking before I got pregnant with my son that I would have realized at that point that a long term commitment was not sustainable. The signs were there, even then.

…and if they find themselves in a relationship that is broken beyond repair…a relationship with nearly an 80% fail rate (like mine and their father’s), that they don’t allow it to drag them under. I hope that, if this happens, they will walk away before it’s too late…before things go too far.

There are things that I have lost during the past 6 years that I can never get back…I never want them to loose those things. There are things I have said in the past 6 years that I can never take back…I never want them to say those things. There are things that have been said to me in the past 6 years that have created long scars on my heart….I never want them to feel that pain. I want better for them, and so I choose divorce.

I know this is kind of random and scattered but it’s something that I had to write…something I had to get off my chest. So, this is me, being too personal and candid but doing the only thing I know how to do when things get rough: write.