My experiences in relationships hasn’t given me much cause to sing the praises of love. As it turns out, the hopelessly romantic aren’t great when it comes to recognizing flaws in would-be partners or determining compatibility. So, I have found myself in more than enough toxic and unstable relationships. These types of relationships can only lead to breakups, or (in my most recent one) divorce.
Sitting on the edge of a failed marriage and an impending divorce, you could understand how I might not be in the mood to “share the love” this Valentine’s Day. I’m warning you now, if you’re all hopped up on boxed chocolates, this may not be the post for you. There will be no singing birds and blooming flowers…only the melancholy of a bitter future divorcee.
The less I say the better but if I had to choose one song to explain the dynamic in my marriage, it would be “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies. It’s a whimsical outlook on a dysfunctioning relationship. For a while, our arguments were “cute” and even enduring. However, after 3 children and thousands of “disagreements”, the novelty wore off and I learned how much is lost when two people stay in a relationship that is dysfunctioning.
Through the Divorce
Breaking up is never as quick and painless as we want it to be. When it’s five years, three children and a legally binding marriage certificate, I’m finding that the “pulling back” factor is amplified. Maybe it’s because there was such a large dynamic of the push and pull in our marriage…maybe it’s because it’s bittersweet to be breaking ties with someone who was once your everything…maybe it’s because it’s because my idealistic brain still clings to the idea of a happy ending. At the end of the day, I remember the reasons why we are better people apart…this is the song that reminds me of that and keeps me grounded in my “weaker” moments.
In the End
“I guess I just lost my husband…I don’t know where he went…I’m going to drink my money…I’m not going to pay his rent”
There comes a point in every breakup, separation or divorce that you just have to put your head up and own it. That’s where I am right now. I hear all the whispers behind my back…I know that there is a camp of people forming who have issue with the fact that I walked out on my marriage. It’s almost that I’m less of a woman because I have a mind of my own and I have the power to walk out on a situation that wasn’t healthy…To those people, I say “So What”…Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you can never understand how much I fought for my marriage…you can never understand my reasons for leaving and quite frankly, I’m tired of explaining them.
*All songs are linked to respective YouTube videos