I Didn’t Do It Out of Hate…

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Some people have misconceptions about divorce and separation. I guess it’s something that you don’t quite understand until you go through it. The first question to tackle is “why”? Why did I leave my husband? Why are we living in separate homes and learning how to raise our children in two homes? Why does our marriage not work?

In some ways, these answers are easy. It’s easy to see that constant discord in a relationship is not healthy. The fact that we couldn’t agree on anything and we had begun sleeping in different rooms means that there was a distance between us that we could not reconcile. It’s easy to react to the constant negativity surrounding the relationship and the effects this had on our children.

It’s easy to throw your hands up in the air when things are going wrong. It’s easy to walk away and it’s easy to hate. Especially when society tells me I should be bitter. I’m supposed to be angry and I’m supposed to seek revenge. I’m supposed to conspire in corners against him, fight him in the court system, and spread nasty rumors about him. All these things are being done but not by me. I just can’t bring myself to that point.

Because I didn’t do it out of hate. 

I never let myself get to that point. My husband is father of my children and the only man who will will ever have the privilege to do so. He is my best friend and has been my companion through some of the hardest times in my life. How could I allow myself to hate him?

I’m not saying that it’s impossible for me to hate him. I know that eventually, it would have come to that. If I put all the fights and insults into a bucket; if I let them weigh on me, I could find myself in a place where I hate him. If I held on until every bit of love had drained away and I had lost all dignity and self respect, I could drive away into the dust with my middle finger held high and profanities blaring in his direction. I could find it within myself to trash his vehicle and withhold his children from him…I could do divorce “the American way”.

No, I didn’t leave him out of hate. I  left him because it was the only way to save the bits of love that still reside between us.

What we had lost in our marriage was hope. There was no hope for us to learn to communicate…no hope for us to learn to get along. We are too different; too headstrong to make our marriage work. We’ve tried but when I step back and look, I realize that the foundation of our relationship was built on the wrong things.

Once the parties and drugs gave way to children and responsibility, we lost that common ground that really bound us together. The focus shifted to raising our children and we forgot about ourselves…and eachother. We drifted apart and understanding gave way to discourse. It became too easy to play the “blame game” and we got to the point that we didn’t even sleep in the same bed.

My husband disagrees with my line of logic. He either still sees hope or he wants to bleed our marriage dry…I’m not sure which one it is because the days are gone that I am able to read his thoughts. I don’t even really know who he is anymore…I don’t really know who I am anymore. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have exhausted every resource I have for making the marriage work. I’m empty now; almost hollow and I have nothing else to give. So, I know I’m not giving up too soon. Rather, I’m giving up just in time.

Now you may judge me (plenty of others have) because I’m walking away from the sacred vows of my marriage but if you’re going to do so, please look at the entire picture. We were together for nearly 6 years, gave birth to 3 children, moved 5 times and through it all, the only harmonious part was the first 6 months. That’s 5 and a half years of constant fighting and negativity…5 and a half years of not being able to compromise. No matter what the future looks like, the past becomes a beast which has torn our marriage apart.

I will always remember the light in the darkness…bringing our children into the world. However, these memories (the light ones) are always tainted with the darkness that grew out of our discord. For every good memory that I can pull up in my mind has a complimentary bad one…because things have never been “good” for us. When I look into the future, I have no reason to believe that this cycle will somehow change with the passage of time.

So, my rational brain yells at me. It tells me that I’m foolish for walking the same roads over and over. If I look at my marriage in terms of statistics, it’s easy to see that the chance of things being just the same (or maybe even worse) is extremely likely. The only thing left, now, is our children.

Children learn about love from their parents so I find myself asking the question, what do I want my children to learn about love? My husband wants them to learn to never give up on love, no matter what but I don’t really think that’s healthy. I mean, it sounds nice but do I really want my children in mine or my husband’s shoes? Do I want them to loose themselves in a relationship that is toxic, just for the sake of “sticking it out”? Do I want them to learn that yelling and insults are somehow synonymous with love?

No, I do not. What I want for them to do is to be rational enough to push aside their feelings of love and assess the situation. I want my children to approach marriage with more thought and consideration that I did. It’s hard when you’re a sentimental fool, not to fall without this line of rational thought. I know now, that if I had applied rational thinking before I got pregnant with my son that I would have realized at that point that a long term commitment was not sustainable. The signs were there, even then.

…and if they find themselves in a relationship that is broken beyond repair…a relationship with nearly an 80% fail rate (like mine and their father’s), that they don’t allow it to drag them under. I hope that, if this happens, they will walk away before it’s too late…before things go too far.

There are things that I have lost during the past 6 years that I can never get back…I never want them to loose those things. There are things I have said in the past 6 years that I can never take back…I never want them to say those things. There are things that have been said to me in the past 6 years that have created long scars on my heart….I never want them to feel that pain. I want better for them, and so I choose divorce.

I know this is kind of random and scattered but it’s something that I had to write…something I had to get off my chest. So, this is me, being too personal and candid but doing the only thing I know how to do when things get rough: write.

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2 thoughts on “I Didn’t Do It Out of Hate…

    • I’m glad that reading the post was helpful to you. Writing it was an exercise of untangling for me, as well. I wish you the best of luck with your divorce. It’s not easy. I hope everything works out for you in the most positive manner possible.

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